Sunday Morning Funnies!

 Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the backstreets of Rome. 

One nun looks over at the other and says, “You know, I’ve never come this way before.” 

The other nun replies, “Must be the cobblestones!”

Sunday Morning Funnies!

 A stay-at-home mom finds a daytime paramour while her husband is at the office, completely unaware that her 9-year-old son was secretly tucked away in the closet. With her husband's unexpected return, she swiftly stashes her lover in the closet to avoid detection.

The young boy now has some company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "£250."

Over the upcoming weeks, a similar situation unfolds once more, with the boy and the mother's companion finding themselves together in the closet once again.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "I'll tell."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "£750."

Man: "Fine."

After a couple of days, the father addresses the boy, saying,

"Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "£1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They attend church, and the father discreetly informs the priest, arranging for the young boy to sit inside the confession booth and then shutting the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says:

"Don't start that rubbish again!!"

Sunday Morning Funnies!

 An elderly couple went to a lawyer. After they explained what they wanted, the lawyer pushed his chair back, steepled his fingers, and said, “Let me get this straight. You are 96 and you are 98 years old, you have been married for 79 years, and now you want a divorce?” 

She said, “Yes, we discussed this a long time ago and we agreed we would wait until the children were dead.”

Sunday Morning Funnies!

 

Sunday Morning Funnies!

An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are good friends and go on a sailing trip in the Caribbean. 

Unluckily, they get caught in a storm, the boat is smashed on a reef, and they just barely manage to swim to shore. They are miles from anywhere, there’s no one around, the rain is pouring down and the wind is howling. 

They huddle together on the beach, wet, cold, miserable and exhausted. 

Eventually, Wolfgang gets up and says, “Sehr gut my friends, I shall for rocks and branches looking go and for us a shelter to construct.” 

Then Thierry stands and says, “Eh bien mes amis, I will search some fruits and some berries and maybe we can eat somesing.” 

 They both look down expectantly at Bob, who leans back on his elbows and says: 

“You two can do what you like... but I’m not working in these conditions.”

Guy walks into a bar. Tells the bartender to set ’em up for the house and tells the bartender to have one himself. The bartender presents the guy with the bill. The guy says, “I ain't got no money🤔”. The bartender bum-rushes the guy out the door and throws him into the street.

Next night, same guy walks in and and tells the bartender to set up doubles for the house and says to the bartender “Just to show I ain't got no hard feelings about last night, pour yourself a double too🙂”. The bartender presents the guy with the bill. The guy says, “I told you last night, I ain't got no money😕!” “Why you dirty SOB” says the bartender as he once again tosses the guy into the street.,

Next night, the guy's back. “Set up triples for the house”, he says, “but, no, no, not for you”. “Why not me”, says the bartender. “Because, you get mean when you drink!!”

Sunday Morning Funnies!

 

Sunday Morning Funnies! The funniest joke!

 What is the funniest joke you've been told that you still think about to this day?

In honour of Burt Bacharach's passing at age 94, my favourite joke.

***

A doctor walks into the exam room to find a husband and wife sitting there. "What seems to be the problem?" he asks.

"Well every time my husband opens his mouth, he can only sing," says the wife.

"Interesting, but I'd like to hear it from your husband," replied the doctor.

The husband shrugs, opens his mouth and sings, "Well, she's all you'd ever want, She's the kind I like to flaunt and take to dinner, but she always knows her place. She's got style, she's got grace, she's a winner. She's a lady"

"Interesting," says the doctor. "Let's try it again."

The husband once again opens his mouth and sings, "What's new, Pussycat? Whoa, whoa, What's new, Pussycat?"

"Hmmmmmmmmm. Once more, please," said the doctor.

Again the husband opens his mouth and sings, "My my my Delilah. Why why why Delilah? I could see, that girl was no good for me, but I was lost like a slave that no man could free."

"I've heard enough," says the doctor.

"Well? What's the diagnosis, doctor?" asked the wife.

"I'd say it's a acute case of TJS, Tom Jones Syndrome," says the doctor.

"Is it rare?" asked the wife.

The doctor replied, "It's not unusual."

Sunday Morning Funnies!

 They call us ”The Elderly”

We were born in the 40-50-60’s.

We grew up in the 50-60-70's.

We studied in the 60-70-80's.

We were dating in the 70-80-90's.

We got married and discovered the world in the 70-80-90's.

We venture into the 80-90’s.

We stabilize in the 2000’s.

We got wiser in the 2010’s.

And we are going firmly through and beyond 2020.

Turns out we've lived through EIGHT different decades...

TWO different centuries...

TWO different millennia...

We have gone from the telephone with an operator for long-distance calls to video calls to anywhere in the world.

We have gone from slides to YouTube, from vinyl records to online music, from handwritten letters to email and Whats App.

From live matches on the radio, to black and white TV, colour TV and then to 3D HD TV.

We went to the Video store and now we watch Netflix.

We got to know the first computers, punch cards, floppy disks and now we have gigabytes and megabytes on our smartphones.

We wore shorts throughout our childhood and then long trousers, Oxfords, flares, shell suits & blue jeans.

We dodged infantile paralysis, meningitis, polio, tuberculosis, swine flu and now COVID-19.

We rode skates, tricycles, bicycles, mopeds, petrol or diesel cars and now we drive hybrids or electric.

Yes, we've been through a lot but what a great life we've had!

They could describe us as “exennials”; people who were born in that world of the fifties, who had an analog childhood and a digital adulthood.

We've kind of “Seen-It-All”!

Our generation has literally lived through and witnessed more than any other in every dimension of life.

It is our generation that has literally adapted to “CHANGE”.

A big round of applause to all the members of a very special generation, which will be UNIQUE.

-Author unknown

Keep on keeping on!

Sunday Morning Funnies #2!

 

Sunday Morning Funnies!

 

Sunday Morning Funnies:

Sunday Morning Funnies!

 A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. 

"I've never wanted a divorce. 

My husband does. 

He said he can't communicate with me!"

Sunday Morning Funnies!

 

Sunday Morning Funnies!

 EASTER ISLAND!

Sunday Morning Funnies!

 

Sunday Morning Funnies!

AND...... while we're on the subject of drag queens...

Sunday Morning Funnies: Stuff!

 

Sunday Morning Funnies! I guess I'm not politically correct!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir." 

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." 

Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." 

As the Officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." 

As the Officer makes the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut." 

The Officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." 

The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." 

The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." 

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??" 

The Officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh heavens no, Officer. Only when he's been drinking."

***

Here's one to test the tolerance of the left-wing "woke" crowd!

There once was a woman considered ugly because she had an extremely flat face!!!!

After looking at her picture in the paper, I said to my wife:

"Wow, is she ever a dog!"

At this, my wife grew furious over my apparent insensitivity toward this woman. She said, "Allan, that's a terrible thing to say... she can't help how she looks, and if you can't say anything nice about her, then don't say anything at all!!!!"

Realizing she was right..., and after briefly thinking about it..., I said: 

"Well, at least she caught the car that she was chasing!!!"

***

(Please don't write to complain, there's more important stuff to worry about folks!)