"CONSCIOUSNESS IS AN EMERGENT PROPERTY OF THE SPIRIT OF GOD (?) WITHIN US!"
Back when I was a kid everybody thought that in a thousand years, all humans would have a head that is much bigger than it is now... because of all the extra thinking we will have to do!!!!
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I wish they had called that Oscar-nominated movie (video?) "Poor Thing" ...by some other name at the awards this evening!
Every time (dozens) someone said "poor thing," I thought they were describing a movie that was in the running for an Oscar!
By the time they handed out two or three of them, I was totally confused about what was going on... and I just went to play on my computer!
Sorry... this is the best I could come up on short notice!
It's either "great..." or "meh..." depending on your particular humour,
time of day,
disposition,
circumstances,
environmental effects,
Karma,
happenstance,
and...
Oh ya...
a sense of humour!!!!!
I was just sitting out in my shed, door open, looking out.
Here is this old man, who I don’t think I’ve seen before, trudging along.
A few feet behind, unleashed, but dutifully following was his dog.
What was the dog carrying in his mouth?
The poop scoop bag.
What a sight…
After watching all my usual Sunday morning political shows... the "Mrs. Herself" and I then got into our usual discussions about the state of the world... and THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is when I had the epiphany to totally forget about all the complicated shit going on around us..... and just change my name to SCHULTZ!
To whom it may concern,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course,
I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voicemail system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
Press 1: To make an appointment to see me.
Press 2: To query a missing payment.
Press 3: To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
Press 4: To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
Press 5: To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
Press 6: To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
Press 7: To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
Press 8: To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
Your Humble Client...
(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman!)
Shared Denny R
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I can’t help but think that there is probably a VERY interesting story behind this…
An American man and his wife were driving for hours through Canada, not even sure where they were.
The husband eventually says, “I gotta stop for gas.”
His wife says, “Find out where we are.”
The husband gets gas, and goes into the service station, pays, and asks the attendant, “Can you tell me where we are now?”
The attendant says, “Saskatoon. Saskatchewan.”
The husband gets back into the car and the wife asks, “Where are we?”
The husband says, “I dunno, he doesn’t speak English.”
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