Sunday Morning funnies!

 A Married couple is driving along a motorway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues.

Then 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag." ️

***

A mum visited her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During dinner, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there’s more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mum’s thought, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you mum, we are just roommates.”

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose your mother took it, do you?

He said, “Well I doubt it, but I’ll email her just to be sure!”

He sat down and wrote,

Dear mum,
After you visited me, the silver plate has been missing.

I’m not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, and I’m not saying that you didn't take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,

Your son.

Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read:

Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying that you don’t sleep with her: but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love,

Mum.

️

***

 A middle-aged frumpy couple returns to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested into a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.

"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised £75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for £65, 000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get the jerk to reduce it. See you later, dad."

️