Sunday Morning Funnies!

 GETTING OLD

• I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
• Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
• I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
• I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim.” I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
• Old age is coming at a really bad time.
• When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
• The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
• I don’t have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I’m just very wise.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
• Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
• Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
• Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
• At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.
• Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager (Senior teenager): I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne. Life is great!
• I have more friends I should send this to but right now I can’t remember their names.  Now, I’m wondering: did I send this to you or did you send it to me?

***

A wife decides to have a logical conversation with her husband in order to get him to change his habits.

Wife: Do you drink beer?

Husband: Yes.

Wife: How many beers a day?

Husband: Usually three.

Wife: How much do you pay per beer?

Husband: I pay $5, including the tip.

Wife: And how long have you been drinking?

Husband: About 20 years, I suppose.

Wife: So a beer costs $5, and you have three beers a day, so you spend $450 monthly. In one year, that would be about $5400, correct?

Husband: Correct.

Wife: Not accounting for inflation, this means your spending over the past 20 years is about $108,000 correct?

Husband: Correct.

Wife: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a savings account, and with interest compounding over that time, you could now have bought an airplane?

Husband: Do you drink beer?

Wife: No.

Husband: Where’s your airplane?